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My cat does not barf hairballs = he is a floor / rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things = she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs = they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble = she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch = he is a furniture / rug / skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl = he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a "shedding machine" = she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile" = she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog = he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox = she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict = she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus = he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest = she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter = she is a wildfire control expert.
My cat is not evil = she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat = he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic = she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy = he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot = she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).