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Temko wrote:

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though there might be, i myself just dont understand it ... how can a woman be dominant over a man, then again... i got junderstand submissive men at ALL.

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I have the same feelings you do.  It's also why I can't serve women.

But to each their own, as everyone is not wired the same as I am.
I can't understand everybody.
Even if I want to.

 

What makes me submissive...whatever you straight doms have to get you so in control over a sub, I don't have. If I knew better what it was, then maybe I might act more dominant. :P

While I'm kinda joking about that, as a switch it's pretty much true for me. When I'm around a submissive person, I get more dominant, and when I'm around a dominant person, I get more submissive. To answer your question, I don't know...its just nice to give up control and let another person handle you I guess.

Temko wrote:

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though there might be, i myself just dont understand it ... how can a woman be dominant over a man, then again... i got junderstand submissive men at ALL.

seems i'm destined to be a strait dominant male :P

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Exactly why can't a woman be dominant over a man?

I agree, I just don't understand the how.
Like Temko said, the physical power is important in my dynamic.
I have to know I CAN be overpowered, or mentally I won't be able believe it.

I know not everyone needs the physical part though, because for most folks, it's all about the mind.

WARNING! TL;DR!

Ok, well...as much as I feel I'm about to get put in a glass box in a lab for inspection as some sort of strange specimen...I'm a switch. I definitely wouldn't call myself a dominatrix, but I can be dominant. I'll admit that I am submissive most of the time, but I could NOT be happy in a relationship where I couldn't top at least sometime (say 15% of the time, maybe? Though I was on top a lot more than that in my last relationship.)

Maybe I'm not the best example of the female dominatrix you're looking for, but I seem to be one of the few examples here at all, so...*holds press conference* Questions?

I will say...sure, there's no way I could physically force another person, man or woman, into anything. I'm the weakest little thing you've ever seen AND I don't really like fighting people, physically. I'm always scared something's going to go wrong in an uncontrolled fight and I'll hurt someone in unintended ways (doling out pain in a controlled way is a totally different matter).

But that works for me. I mean, I know there have to be submissives who don't need to be physically forced into things because when I'm a submissive, I certainly don't need to be. *Mentally* forced, oh, that's a different matter. As a top or a bottom, I like the whole process of seducing someone to do something they're not really sure they want to do (it goes without saying that I'm not talking about anything that would damage them). But it's the whole mental process that I enjoy the best: watching the person struggling with their inner demons; watching them vacillate; watching them realize with horror that a small part of them actually really does want whatever "terrible", painful thing I'm suggesting...It's the emotional side of "forcing" that I like, not the physical side. I want to make the person want whatever I'm offering, not just make them do it against their will, hating it the whole time.

And, for the record, I'll top men or women. I don't top them the same way, I don't think. With women, outside the bedroom, I tend to take a more caring persona, sort of a big sister type of thing, whereas with men, I tend to keep the claws out a bit more. (Though, don't get me wrong, I can still be sadistic to a woman within that caring persona and I can still care about a man within that...um...claw-y persona.) You say men are strong--and I agree, AND I don't think that being a submissive means that one ISN'T--but men, like PEOPLE have weaknesses.

To hit up a very, VERY obvious one: look, practically all of Western society is built on how defenseless the vast majority of men can be before a beautiful woman. The idea of a man following his dick (that will probably get censored :D ) and doing whatever stupid things a woman asks of him shouldn't be a foreign archetype to anyone. Now I'm not saying that all men are like this, and I'm not saying I want to top a stupid man who just follows his dick. I'm just saying it's not hard at ALL for a woman to worm her way into a man's psyche to get him to sacrifice himself for her.

And think of non-BDSM relationships: women get stuck with a lot of the day-to-day drudgery, but men are still associated with a lot of the grand, sweeping gestures. It's 10 PM, snowing like the dickens outside, the heater in the car doesn't work, and your wife has the flu. Of COURSE a husband runs out to the pharmacy. But reverse the situation and the wife certainly doesn't! The husband just has to tough it out. Submissive, no? Even leaving sex out of it, most men are raised to believe that they have to take care of the woman they're with, and when I'm on top...well...I'm one spoiled, pampered, taken-care of kitty, I'll tell you that.

Temko wrote:

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Begemoth wrote:

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Exactly why can't a woman be dominant over a man?

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not saying a woman cant be dominant over a man. I mean i dont understand it.

on a emotional, fysical or psycological level i just do not comprehend dominant woman.

best example:

a girlfriend i had wanted to be a dom over me - i told her it would not work ,but she was  welcome to try. now, most thing that i find appealing to do to a sub, she tried on me... but i just found htem cute in a submissive way. like she was playing pretend.  i just didn't get it.

the same way i dont understand a submissive guy. every time i see a      guy leashed or otherwise restrained i stare and wonder "how?".

to be dominant ( in my subjective and private oppinion) you have to be stronger then the sub. both physicly AND emotionaly.... i dont understand how any woman is stronger then any man (who actualy moves more then 2 meters a day)

- so i dont mean they cant be. i mean i dont understand how. it just doesn't register.

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Well, I'm not praticularly strong, but for me it just feels more right to be dominated by a woman then to dominate one. The idea of dominating a woman just dosn't appeal to me as much as serving one.
Also, I have this whole sense of duty and chivalry that probubly works into the whole submission aspect. And the idea of serving someone just because they are weaker then you are makes me uncomfortable. For me, I just would like to let the woman dominate me in the first place. Sure, I'd struggle a bit, but that's only for her benefit.

Begemoth wrote:

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Well, I'm not praticularly strong, but for me it just feels more right to be dominated by a woman then to dominate one. The idea of dominating a woman just dosn't appeal to me as much as serving one.
Also, I have this whole sense of duty and chivalry that probubly works into the whole submission aspect. And the idea of serving someone just because they are weaker then you are makes me uncomfortable. For me, I just would like to let the woman dominate me in the first place. Sure, I'd struggle a bit, but that's only for her benefit.

 

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As said above me - it does not have to be physical, it's a lot of emotional strings attached as well. the the physical has to be there to back it up. when i tell my sub to kneel and be stil, i expect her to do so. of course emotion comes into play here but in the end, she knows that i can make her kneel if i want to. it's just another layer on my dominance over her.

 

that said i feel VERY protective (who doens't) over my wife/sub/kitten/whatever yuo want to call it. in fact i do it with every woman i know (and they understand thats just how i am). i'll walk them to the bus/train/car, hell i'll drive them back home if i feel it's not save for them otherwise, they can ring me up and í'll drop what i'm doing and get over there to help. i'm a man and i demend of myself to be there to assist any woman i know deserves my assistence, in any way.

of course, i'm always polite and on my best behavior ;) so the whole honor and chivilary aspect are a lot more on the dominant side of me. i dont take no for a answer when i tell a woman i'm escorting her back home. nor do i allow her to brush me off when she needs assistence. i step in and do what i need to. if she gets angry, go ahead - doens't change a thing.

 

i am the same with my sub. i make she has everything she needs and i make sure that there is either me or one of my close friends nearby should she need assistence (she likes dancing in clubs, i fall asleep in them... so a mate usualy goes with her to make sure she stays save when i allow her to go). but regardless of how gentle and honorable i am to any woman, i demend obiedience from my sub and will make damn sure she knows it. 

 

soo... i dont know. i dont get submissive men, if someone could explain onto me the reason for beign submissive (none of that i'm shy,big, gentle, bla bla - i'm as gentle as they get and i can barrely tell my wife i love her without becomming a lightbulb) but the actual reasoning behind them beign submissive i'd love to know. i really do. 

Dominant male here, although I have tried being submissive. It was an interesting experience, although i couldn't get pulled totally into the experience. For some reason, it was just not as comfortable for me as it was being dominant. Anyway, that's my personal story, now to play amateur psychologist:

I have been kicking around various ideas of the causes of various fetishes for a few years now. The difference between "dominant" and "submissive" behaviour being a particular point of interest.
My current and most strong theory has been that of the mind compensating for unfulfilled aspects in daily life using sex in order to achieve a sort of balance (think yin and yang). In that line of thought, a submissive man would have an excess of power in daily life. Possibly someone being in management or such as a career, or who is completely responsible for seemingly important things in daily life.
To give an example of how subjective these can be. Let us take a man, who is an actor by trade. By my theory, this man would most likely be a dominant, as he is at the bottom of the ladder of power (answering to the director, stage manager, etc. etc. etc.). Whereas a director or producer would be a submissive due to his amount of power.
If anyone, dominant or submissive, can comment on this theory it would be very helpful. I'd be able to mold and change my theory...for no real reason really...I'm not a psychologist...but it's fun for me!

wile you give a good point on personality it still remains in my eyes a kind of "weird" when i see a man submissive.

i know several submissive men, and all of them could overpower their dom in two blinks. i've asked them and the very idea of overpowering thier dom strikes them as horrible.... and i just dont get it - i leaves some pretty akward silences :S

that said i do expect my sub to show some willpower, she's a kitten and she damn knows it, i've had to make sure i wasn't bleeding from her claws in my flesh more then i can remember (and getting up for a cloth/bandage/paper plenty often enough to wipe away the blood :P)

on that, it's not that i dont enjoy being submissive... i just dont comprehend it - my boss can tell me to do my job... is that being submissive that i do my job? i like my job...
if my wife asks me to grab her something from the store i'll usualy do it, does that make me submissive? i dont know....

what i DO know is that when i'm told/asked to do something i figure "do i want to" into it... and if i dont, then i dont. when i tell my wife to do something, i dont ask, i tell. she might tell me "i need a new hairbrush from the store" but all that registers is "will you get me a new hairbrush"?


so i dont know. if someone could go in dept with me on the side of the submissive... i could learn a lot. so far all i've learned just makes me go "huh?" half the time.

I think a good way to look at it is just by what the people involved want in the relationship. In many cases the dom enjoys having power over the sub because they like to feel in control, and the sub likes following orders because it makes them feel safe and unresponsible (different from irresponsible because they still act in a responsible way). I never like making decisions, even over what to order at a restaurant, so having someone there to tell me what to do, what to wear, where to go, ect. is like removing a burden. I think the male/female affiliations have more to do with the fact that men and women generally have different hormones and upbringings which push them to crave those parts. However that doesnt mean that they cant reverse rolls if they have a different craving in the relationship, its just less common.

I, like janet, consider myself to be a switch; though usually I prefer to dominate women over men, I do enjoy the occasional domination of men. I don't particularly see myself fitting into the role of the cat-suit, spiked boots dominatrix, but when I'm in a relationship I like to dominate on occasion.

I think it really comes down to the mentality of the people involved whether or not a person can be made submissive or dominate another person. For the dom males who can't understand why a man would want to be submissive just ask any submissive (male or female) why they like to be submissive. I'm guessing they get a thrill out of being forced to do things, humiliation or just generally being physically restrained or trapped. So instead of a girl wanting this, its just a guy with the same mentality.

Similarly, I'm guessing that dominants (myself at least) like to be in control, create what will happen to the sub, and take them somewhere else -- force them to do things and are gratified when they get the sub to do what you want them to do.

I think it's got a lot less to do with gender and a lot more to do with the psyche of the individual. I think the reason female subs are more common is likely to do with the fact that most women ARE physically weaker than men, but that doesnt mean people are all hard-wired the same way.

StripedKitten wrote:

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If I sub for a girl then it's b/c I want to make them happy. I enjoy doing things that please people. Then I can switch and be very dommy, I do like to be in control from time to time. I think Anabelle has a very good point with the mindset theory.

I'd like to meet you on one of your dom streaks ;)

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Lol -- thanks.  I dont know if I'd make a particularly good dom, but I'm flattered.

 

My first ever post!

As a female Domme, there are! I like a few of my female friends who also have submissives, started out as submissive and then just got utterly frustrated.

For myself, I'm a control freak, I need to know exactly whats happening, when, how, down to the smallest detail. Perhaps it's because while I enjoy a very large range of kinks and fetishes, for my own personal pleasure it's a fine balance which I have not found a single person yet to be able to decipher without instruction.

The straw that broke the camels back perhaps was when I was tied to a four poster bed, while the Dom who had been wooing me for months was trying to wax me, was taking instructions on how to do it. If I switch now - and I do on occasion because doesn't everyone want to go on hands and knees and wiggle their ass to be taken, and taken hard - it's still with my submissive (male or female) being guided.

I personally just find myself itching to instruct, teach, guide. I've been within the scene for 10 years now, since the (slightly) illegal age of 15, where I sweet talked a friend into showing me some of the beginner kinks, the Daddy play, kitten play, puppy play - how to kneel on rice. The normal things in life. I find it fun, I like pain, I enjoy it, but unless I find someone I can actually submit to - as in I don't question that they are dominant to myself I just don't believe it. Control freak with authority issues (though not at work).

For me the whole scene, all the fetishes is about head space. If you can't believe something then it just won't work for you. Like some of the people who have posted so far - I don't believe that I am submissive, been there done that - thoroughly enjoyed it and learnt things that I would never have done as a Domme, but headspace I wasn't there.

I don't believe it is a gender aspect - or not for myself and my friends. It's about trust, respect, and good manners. When you enter the first stages of meeting someone you make an instant decision.

I have to say though - it would seem the physical aspect seems to baffle some people. I'm 5'4, my ex fiancé who was also my sub was 6'3 and very well formed *mops up the drool* I can still floor him. Size means nothing. It's an attitude inside that you have. If you believe in yourself and your role you can be a giant and still be a kitten crawling on the floor licking at your Mistresss boots waiting for her to pet you.

So as I started off, there are Mistresses out there. Some of us are even nice!